I've had an interesting week...
I've got a lot to tell my
health blog that I really don't have the energy or inclination to do right now.
Had a kind of crisis...re some people who are also involved as I am with a large group of people that I do volunteer work with. It caused me to have concern about a close friendship and also about whether or not I can or should stay involved with something that is important to me. However, I now hope and feel this particular situation was resolved. It just took some time and energy and I'm still not sure that I presented my case in the best way; it was the best I could do at that moment and I had a time crunch.
I had a great time with my family for my mom's birthday.
But I did get very physically tired. This was my own responsibility because I chose to not to be a party pooper and insist on the rather large amount of daily rest I need to get right now. And I also had a selfish motivation: I wanted to be able to spend as much time with my family as I could since I don't get to see them as often as I would like, and that especially applies to my nieces since I don't "see" them in email or other places online like I at least get to do with my bro in law and sis, or talk to them on the phone like I do with my mom. Of course Sabrina the dog would like a mention as well :)
I came back in time for Stephanie's birthday party which she was kind enough to share with me since I hadn't been able to celebrate my own birthday after I got the flu. I received really wonderful birthday gifts and cards I will treasure as well.
Unfortunatel,y someone whom I have had arguments with before that upset me tried to have an informal debate with me again...persisted after I asked repeatedly to drop the topic we were discussing, and when that didn't happen I became very hurt and frustrated but, worst of all, just emotionally overwhelmed, and finally left in tears.
When I cry, it is totally involuntary. I find it embarrassing as well. When my depression is being treated properly, which it isn't right now while I am switching medications, or when I'm taking a medicine that basically has its foot on the depression pedal (like prednisone 10 mg or above which I'm NOT having to do right now thank you God!), I cry less--but I'm still a crier. I was born that way and my mom is the same way and I just don't think I can change it. But what I try to do is gracefully exit the situation when I feel like I'm getting emotionally overwhelmed.
I didn't do that in time this time because I was eating a special dessert made with something safe for my diabetes that I can actually tolerate--a rare treat and I wanted to have it! Sin of gluttony? I don't know! It was my "time" to eat for the diabetes, too, so I needed to eat something. Thus I wanted to stay where I was. And didn't get up in time to be graceful or polite in my exit from my tormentor and I feel badly about that.
I do usually pull myself together fairly quickly once I'm away from whatever it is that is happening that is upsetting me. But things took a bit longer this time.
I ended up needing to remind someone special that hearing criticisms while I am crying always makes me worse. Always. So it's a bad time for them. If I can't get any of what helps me pull myself together, like very very gentle treatment, then it really is better for me to be by myself until I've pulled myself together. But ok, this person realizes this and apologized.
I also received an apology from the debater guy and we did what I really wanted which is to agree to disagree on the particular topic. He also agreed that it would have been better if he stopped talking about certain topics when the people he is talking to beg him to not discuss that topic any more with them.
So that's all sorted.
What's left? Well...I overheard some stuff said about me that I know I was not meant to hear and frankly wished I didn't hear. House walls are often not soundproof. Even if people leave a house but are still on the premises they can often hear stuff when they are near open windows or an open door. Naturally, when I tried to return to the party, I opened the door...and I overheard things I just didn't need to hear. This significantly delayed my re-entrance.
There is something that one person in particular said about me which has hurt me. I just don't have whatever it is it takes to talk to them about it. I'm tired; I'm sick in a few ways; I want to enjoy the holiday season; I'm on "friends who have me questioning whether or not they really like me" overload. Interpersonal conflict and communication malfunction week is now officially over.
I don't have that many real-life friends. Mainly this is due to long-term illness. I don't like being so tired I can't leave the house, or so sick in embarrassing ways that I can't leave the house, but that is a card I drew in life and is just the way things are. But I am so blessed that I live in an era with postal mail, telephone, texting, email, chat, forums (Latin grammarians, sorry), social networking sites...I could go on and on but the point is you no longer have to be able to get out in the world physically every day to make and keep friends.
But it means my real-life friends are special, and if I have a problem with any of them it hits hard. I had a problem with one in September, two this week and now I've got to process the (cue dramatic music) Things I Overheard. It's too much at once.
I really feel that the depression button has been pushed now, since I was so looking forward to this joint birthday party. I don't get a whole lot of positive affirmation so I love my birthday...it's very painful when something like this happens at anything that has anything to do with my birthday. I also feel terrible about my choosing to attend making things awkward for Stephanie's birthday party.
I hope it will be a mild depressive episode...I won't know tonight. I'll know when I wake up in the morning if I'm looking at "a little rest and then something like a walk will make me feel ok again" or if I'll be saying "I am going to read books and hang out with trees and animals because I'm not really successful with other human beings."
I also feel like pulling back into more isolation, on purpose, because I'm not sure if anyone really really likes me. How can I be sure? We never really know what anyone is saying about us behind our backs...unless you know someone like me, who will in most cases, eventually when I get up the nerve and the energy, talk with you directly if I have a concern about something you are doing. Not that I'm saying this is a virtue! Maybe you don't want to hear it! But you know I'm not "gaslighting" you. You won't walk into an alternate universe when you are around me and hear me saying anything about you that you haven't heard before!
I'm so tired. I want to end this entry quickly now.
Things I want people to understand:
I believe that if you feel you must say rotten things about a friend, particularly in a loud voice, make sure they are not actually on the premises.
I am not well enough right now to handle three important things in one week. The current level will now be scaled down to two because I have no choice. I'm not planning on canceling anything I have currently committed to but I might not be able to take on any more.
I'm not in a pro-party-attendance mood right now. I'm in an "avoid people; be safe from harm" mood. I hope I feel differently tomorrow, since we're supposed to actually be having one here where I live fairly soon.